When did we get so caught up in trying to be the ‘perfect mother’?
Is it society as a collective or are we putting pressure on ourselves to be perfect? Getting it right 100% of the time is ultimately setting women up for failure.
We live in a world where many of us are parenting alone. It’s common to live away from our family, so we can't rely on them for support. Partners work away or work long hours, so aren’t necessarily there when we need them. We may be attending playgroups, ‘wriggle and rhyme’ or cafes with other mums but the reality is, rarely do others witness us actually mothering. We never receive the feedback we crave. On odd occasions, the feedback we do receive is very rarely helpful. Many mothers never get complimented on their superb mothering, but at the first sign of a baby not settling are met with judgemental stares and sly remarks.
Ironically, men who take on the parenting duties are often complimented on the terrific job they are doing and for being such a wonderful, connected Dad.
A ‘good enough’ mother is what we should all strive for.
A ‘good enough’ mother allows herself to feel frustrated, to give up from time to time and to feel resentment. A good enough mother understands that there will be many ‘mummy fails’ along the way and that this is ok. Bumping your baby’s head on the car door when getting them in the car is one of them (you know you have done that too!). When tantrums escalate and we snap, learning to say ‘sorry, mummy shouldn’t have done that’ is absolutely acceptable too. And when everything around us feels like a failure, it doesn’t mean you are a bad mother, we simply need to learn to forgive ourselves and try again tomorrow.
In this constant struggle to be the perfect mother, we lose sight of reality. That there is no such thing as a perfect mother. Being a ‘good enough’ or a perfect mother is simply our own state of mind. If you believe in yourself, then you are all that you need to be. Caring enough about being ‘good enough’, is all that is required to raise a well-rounded, secure, resilient child. And surely that is all we should be asking of ourselves?
As mothers, we need to learn to adapt. Being a good enough mother to a newborn is very different from being a good enough mother to a 1-year-old, 5-year-old or teen. And that is tough. Learning to recognise that certain stages are harder than others is a skill. We are all doing the best we can on this complicated journey of motherhood.
Forgive yourself for your failings. Be loving, attentive and attuned, most of the time but not all the time. Strive to be a ‘good enough’ mother and not the perfect mother society expects of you. There is no such thing as a perfect mother.
And as always, be kind to yourself, you are doing the best job you can!
